Unmoved

I went river tubing today in Golden with five of my good friends.  On the first trip down, we all floated independently, but for the second trip down, we decided to float all together as one linked mass.  I wasn’t terribly thrilled with the idea, but everyone else thought it would be great to float down together.  So, of course I ended up getting grabbed right at the beginning to be a part of the pod.  The first rapid drop we came to, I yelled, “Let go of me!” to my friend Dave who was holding on to my tube, and he graciously ignored my request.  Once I realized there is actually less of a chance of flipping over as a whole group, I was less insistent on breaking free.  Several rapid drops later, there were only three of us connected.  Katie and Dave aimed for the side of the river with me in tow to wait for the others to catch up so that we could re-link.  I, unaware of this thoughtful idea, assumed they had overshot the center of the river, and tried to pull us back into the current so that we could keep going. Instead, I unintentionally broke free and ended up floating most of the remaining rapids alone.  It was only after I paddled backwards insistently for several minutes that the rest of my group met back up with me, and we floated on to the finish once again all linked together.  I now think it is infinitely more fun to float down the river together.  After sitting and thinking about today, tubing made me ponder my past relationships.  At the points in my life when I was just fine being single, it was then that I’d find myself alongside someone.  And when I’d get used to having someone there, all of a sudden he’d break free, and I’d be back to floating alone.

Singledom is a world everyone must live in at one point or another, some just are occasional travelers, and some are long-time residents.  It would be so much easier to stay in one or the other, rather than bouncing back and forth.  In my experience, most new relationships begin with flattering words and cutesy names.  This doesn’t last forever, especially if a relationship is allowed to mature and grow into more stable and deeper conversation. However, so few of my relationships have ever gotten past the initial stage, and they’ve all ended up sputtering and dying out well before a solid foundation could be built.  Those initial flattering words paint a rose-colored picture like sun through stained glass. But that sun inevitably goes down, and all that’s left is a cold, dark frame of pieces soldered together. Why are these words spoken at all if the intention behind them can’t hold their weight?  This sputtering sunset is the worst part.  I want to be allowed to continue to float on alone if there is no interest in holding on to me forever.

I was hoping you’d be different

A man amidst a sea of boys

But you’re just a different wrapper

with no surprise inside.

Lured by the siren’s call of flattery,

your velvet-coated yet hollow words

dissolve on my tongue, leaving me craving more.

I reach out my hand to you

but it’s too short.

I call out your name

but the wind scatters the sound.

I blow you a kiss

but the dust carries it away.

You’re far away somehow

even when we’re standing cheek to cheek.

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About miccahmarie

I got my first Diary when I was 10. I couldn't wait to write in it at night to divulge all of the details of my day onto paper with my turquoise pen. I now find that writing has become therapeutic for me. I need time to think and sort out what is going on inside and often when I'm most emotionally heightened is when I write most creatively. My years of journaling are a compilation of written out prayers as well as lamenting poems. What I write here will come from both the past and the present. I'm finally comfortable enough to bare my soul, and the deep wounds are at last healed to where they're no longer raw.
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2 Responses to Unmoved

  1. sarah says:

    this makes my heart ache for you, but I pray that one day you will have a friendship that will become a lasting romance.

  2. Bear says:

    GPS
    Life is can be a long and challenging road, one filled with highs and lows. Often when you feel the biggest need to let go is when you should hold on the most. We all have been through experiences that have not been pleasant as well as experienced loss, not just necessarily physical loss but emotional loss, which can be the most difficult of all. I have always been a firm believer that we are on a predestined path, one set by god. But in order for us to stay on life’s path often we need reminders and while at the time those reminders seen to be unpleasant and even painful, when you look back these “course corrections” are what make us who we are. As a person that has been single most of my adult life, i have often wondered where my course would lead, and even wondered if some where along the way i lost my way. I have been lucky to have a great job in a rewarding field, but in a field that time for dating has been scarce, and age has made me choosy. However, throughout all this i know that i do have a path, and while that is very different from my friends it is my path. I was not meant to walk down someone else’s life path. My faith that this path that i walk down will lead to happiness is what helps me get through those rough course corrections that often happen at the most inopportune times. A few years ago i lose my father to a long grueling illness. I was devastated, particularly knowing that months before i had landed a job in an area of the country that i had always dreamed about living in. But i knew that it would mean leaving my family. In a last minute move i changed the destination of my job, hoping to stay closer to home. However, despite this change i end up in the place i’d initially wanted to go. The sorrow of having to leave my sick father was horrific, and his voicing that he will miss me heartbreaking. 6 months prior to my move my father passed away. It was horrible timing to move away. However, i knew that my dad was going to a better place and that he was no longer having to endure the pain and suffering he was here on earth. I would now be the one missing him, but i took comfort knowing now that he will be with me wherever i go, including my new move. Little did i know how much my faith in god and heaven would provide me peace. I often think back at how different my life would be had my course gone differently. I miss my dad everyday, but know that he is with me and watching over me everyday, just like god, making sure i follow my course.

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