Love and Grace Times Two

“Every pregnancy is different,” so I’ve heard, and have now experienced.  When pregnant with my first baby, everything was new and exciting, curious and magical, and also terrifying.  Now 38 weeks into my second pregnancy, I sure don’t remember being this uncomfortable (or big-bellied) the first time.  I was nauseous and beyond exhausted the entire first 12 weeks this time around.  Was I that nauseous with the first?  It could be that maybe because I was chasing around a one year old and moved from CT to NC during those first 12 weeks that were the culprit.  With my first, I had an ultrasound every six weeks, due to the bleed that I had at week six, and therefore was considered High-Risk.  While that bleed was scary, having an ultrasound every six weeks gave me the fun opportunity to actually see my girl growing with every new visit.  I have pictures of her giving a fist pump during the first trimester, picking her nose in the second trimester, and sticking her tongue out in the third.  With this pregnancy, I have had one ultrasound to confirm I was indeed pregnant, and so it’s just a blank picture with a tiny circle labeled “Yolk sac,” and just one more at week 19 for the anatomy scan.  Since then, I only been able to imagine what Baby Girl is doing inside or what her personality will be like.  The poor kid has already gotten the shaft and she’s not even born yet!  I’m certainly not complaining that this pregnancy has been so smooth, rendering extra ultrasounds  unnecessary, but I feel like I knew Noelle when she was placed on my chest for the first time.  With this baby girl, I only know her by her kicks and stretches concealed inside me.

My wise mother shared with me her fears about having my sister.  I was her first-born, so how would she ever be able to love another child as much as she loved me?  But she said that as soon as my sister entered the world, my mother’s love was not divided, but multiplied.  I know this to be true in my head, but I still worry in my heart.  With my 21 month old little girl, she’s had my attention exclusively.  I read her stories and play on the floor with her.  We go out to lunch just the two of us and have fun grocery shopping together.  She’s my little sidekick.  How will she handle having to share her Momma?  And how will I create that bond with #2 without making #1 jealous?  There are pictures of me as a five-year-old holding my brand new baby sister.  My face disguises nothing.  I’m clearly annoyed with this crying, red-faced intrusion, and sadly held on to that grievance for several years.  We thankfully are friends now, but it definitely took a while.  Gosh, that must have broken my mother’s heart.  It is my prayer that my girls love each other fiercely from the start.  That in our home, love would constantly multiply and that in our hearts, grace would conquer guilt and resentment every time.



Also posted on The MOPS Blog @


About miccahmarie

I got my first Diary when I was 10. I couldn't wait to write in it at night to divulge all of the details of my day onto paper with my turquoise pen. I now find that writing has become therapeutic for me. I need time to think and sort out what is going on inside and often when I'm most emotionally heightened is when I write most creatively. My years of journaling are a compilation of written out prayers as well as lamenting poems. Now as a wife and mother, my perspectives have changed, as I reflect on who I was and who God is making me to be.
This entry was posted in baby, birth, family, fear, friendship, grace, life, love, marriage, pain, sister, waiting, worry and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s