Since the beginning of October, I’ve had a slew of visits with friends and family and flew to California with my parents to visit my grandfather. After returning from California, I was looking forward to be coming home to the solitude of my little house, at first anyways. I enjoyed the silence and sleeping in initially, but then it just became too quiet, and too still. Homesickness started seeping in, and not the kind that makes me want to move closer to family, but the kind that makes me feel like I’m missing someone I’ve yet to meet.
I have three Save the Dates posted on my refrigerator right now. I’m making the wedding cake for one of these couples for their wedding next weekend, so I’ve been spending a good bit of time in my kitchen practicing baking and decorating cakes. Honestly, the first round of cakes was a disaster. I thought I’d save time and triple my cake recipe, which only did the following. First, the batter slopped over the sides of my mixer because it couldn’t accommodate that much batter. Secondly, once the batter was poured into the pans and put into the oven, about 20 minutes into the baking time, I smelled burning chocolate. Tripling the recipe was not only too much for my mixer, it was also too much for the pans, which oozed out onto the floor of the oven. Third, because there was too much batter for the mixer, it clearly did not evenly mix the ingredients, which caused a totally uneven and unpleasant crispy crust in the center of the cakes once they came out of the oven (and my fire alarm was disabled). I also used the generally tried and true method of greasing and flouring the pans for the first round of cakes, which proved to be an absolute falsehood for cake baking. When attempting to dislodge the cakes from their pans, only pieces came out willingly, the bottom halves remaining stubbornly attached. I trashed all three of those layers, and decided to start over, this time trying a baking spray and only doubling the cake recipe. Perfecto. No volcanic action in the oven, an even cake consistency, and the cakes released from the pans cleanly. Whew.
If only I would be so logical when it comes to matters of emotion.
The empty feelings inside has me grasping
at anything to keep me from sinking
deeper into this lonely pit.
Clinging so hard to shallow affirmation
Afraid to let go of the safety nets of my self-esteem,
I seek out those who’ve previously fulfilled my narcissistic need
and chase after those who don’t even notice.
These aimless circles I make
bring me no closer to where I want to be.
When will my heart find a tether
and put an end to these vain pursuits?